I realize it has been 6 years since this day.  Many people have forgotten that we even had a son before our other 2 sweet children.  But, I can't forget, I still feel the hurt, the pain, the anxiety that went with our particular situation.  I still remember the doctors visit, the ultrasound when the nurse did not say anything or point the monitor in our direction.  I still remember the doctor telling us the condition that he had was one that was gradually making him die inside my belly and that he would not survive much longer.  I remember Wayne and I having to make this tough decision that I can't believe I had to make.  Crying and throwing up in the parking lot of the doctors office....and then the day came, the horrific day, and I will spare you many details, but then he arrived, dead in my arms, but so alive in spirit, I could feel it!  And...I held him, and although deeply hurting inside, I remember feeling peace too!  It was so strange.



He was our first child.  I had no idea at that point if I would be blessed with more children.  Although assured by the doctor that this was a mere fluke.  He had what was called Potter's Syndrome (I found comfort and met some great women on the link provided) which is a condition when something during the formation of the baby the kidneys never develop.  Rare condition, but yet so real to me knowing that a human can survive with only 1 kidney but not 0.  So we delivered our sweet son, and walked out with a box full of treasured material, but yet I never imagined I would leave the hospital empty handed.  I agree with a sweet friend of mine, who lost a son on the same day, said there is a numbness that God uses to protect our heart from some really deep hurt.  The numbness lasted at the funeral home, then signing the papers at the funeral home, but then the day came to pick up his remains and I remember I couldn't do it.  I couldn't see the funeral home or step inside even to pick up my own son.  My mom volunteered to do it, and I was so grateful.  I remember the day like it was yesterday when she pulled in the driveway.  Throughout this whole experience, I was never angry at God, definitely upset because I missed him, I wanted to get to know him and it was frustrating but never angry.

Fast forward six years later.  I have two beautiful children, healthy as can be.  Lively, full of spirit, and some amazing qualities that I just tear up thinking about.  I didn't know why all of that happened on February 21, 2007, but I remember trusting God with my whole heart that He would use it to do something amazing.  I remember asking specifically for it, because the hurt was so deep, that if something good didn't come of it, I would have felt it was for nothing.  The hard part is not knowing what good will come of it, and maybe never knowing.  It is this thing called having faith that there is something far greater than we could ever imagined with the story.  That was what kept me going, persevering  and continuing to believe, that there is a bigger picture, that I may not understand, but I have to trust the one true God to make use of it.  My pain from missing him is still there, but I admit time does heal the broken heart.  That experience, has made me who I am today, who I am to my children, to my husband.  I am more compassionate to loss, more loving to other mommies who lose babies, and I have a strong desire to share our story when God sees fit.

This is our daughter sitting by the stone that we got our son when someone gave us a dogwood in his memory.

I look back at how God  has used our story, and some I have no idea and will never know (its ok with me), but one of the ways is our daughter, who would not be here if our sweet son had made it.  Her life wouldn't exist.  You see, we conceived her on his original due date.  And...I know God has a purpose for her life! God has also put so many women in my life to connect with on this level, and I cherish those relationships like family.

Oh how I miss Jacob.  I miss holding him, and I miss his sweet fingers on mine.  But his little life made an impact.  And, I pray the story will continue to bring God glory!

For his birthday I decided to make a free print  in honor of his life and a friend of mine's two sons.  I don't make prints normally...so you won't see a blog full of them or an etsy shop, but please feel free to download this print as a birthday present from me!

Guest Blog Post by:  Elizabeth Haen 

2011 was a tough year for our little family, my 3 year old daughter, my husband and I.  We spent the year waiting.  Waiting for the baby we were hoping to adopt, that is, waiting for to be approved, waiting for the phone to ring with opportunity, waiting for either the phone call to scramble to the next step or the email that always started with the same d*mn sentence (So and So has chosen a family and unfortunately it wasn't yours…blah, blah, blah…it didn't really matter past the first sentence), waiting for babies you already loved and thought you would raise to be born, waiting to recover when you learn you won’t, waiting to feel like you can face people again, waiting to start the whole process over again, waiting to find out if the ending to your story was a happy one. 

Is it possible to eat dessert and not feel guilty?  Recently I was challenged by a client of mine who I had to limit sugar and sweets to her diet asked the question, "do I have to not have dessert for the rest of my life?"  Well...its  a great question, and the answer is no - so I wanted to find some tasty recipes that should appeal to most so that when you are trying to lose or maintain weight these will be an enjoyable treat!

Most of these are low GI but if you are diabetic or have medical issues pertaining to glucose sensitivity, please ask your doctor or nutritional professional.

Oven Fried Bananas!

Strawberry Clouds

Almond Stuffed Pears (YUM!)

Flourless Apple Cranberry Crumble

Low GI Carrot Cake

If you try any of these...PLEASE let me know how they come out!